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Astrocat's Postal Scam (Astrology)(Numerology, Psychic, Tarot, Lucky Charm etc) Page

Astrocat's Postal Scam Warning(Astrology) Page


On Mailshot Astrologers,
Numerologists, Clairvoyants, Psychics,
Parapsychologists, Tarot Readers,
Lucky Charm Sellers, Mediums et al.

A poem inspired by the mailshots from 60+ self-styled psychics,
astrologers, numerologists and similar fraudsters,
which followed a request for a free offer from Maria Duval.

1.
The astrologer rubs his hands with glee,
When curious folk send currency.
Dollar or pound, he doesn’t mind,
All go to make his pockets lined.

2.
”It’s in the stars”, you’ll hear him say,
”Wealth untold will come your way”.
”My ‘magic charm’ to bring you luck”,
(It’s made of brass, worth just a buck).

3.
From the foundry, by the tonne,
Comes the magic medallion.
’Unique’ to those who send
Twenty pounds. They’re round the bend!

4.
With his computer he will print
Star sign charts, he’ll make a mint.
How he loves those silly twits,
Soon he’ll retire to Biarritz.

5.
And if the mystic stars foretell,
In your life you won’t do well,
He will ensure that negative
Themes alter to the positive.

6.
Tele-hypnosis and stellar-therapy,
Are a recipe for stress and misery.
She’ll send thoughts across the æther.
You’ve paid for it; so you’ll believe her.

7.
Glowing testimonials abound
In the pamphlets that I have found,
Trace the writers (if you’re able),
’Most every one is just a fable.

8.
At prediction, he’s the best,
His promises pass any test.
(Or so his advertising shows).
Where’s the proof? I’d like to know.

9.
He knows, of course, there will be scoffers.
He warns the folk who fill his coffers,
”Don’t tell a soul, or this I swear,
The promised luck will go elsewhere”.

10.
A foreign name is de rigueur,
French is good, Madame, Monsieur.
Joe Pratt, Bill Bloggs, image-setter?
‘Marie DeValle’ will work much better.

11.
You know the tale of the King’s new raiment.
The swindlers said, as they took their payment,
”If you can’t see the finery,
You don’t deserve your salary”.

12.
When they saw the cheated King,
The people cried “A wond’rous thing”.
But they’d all been taken in,
A child could see his pallid skin.

13.
In the tracts sent from her office,
With weasel words she makes a promise
There’s nothing there on which to sue.
She’ll “return your money”, if you do.

14.
Magic symbols reign supreme,
Printed on paper by the ream.
Keep it safe from prying eyes,
It loses ‘power’ if touched or spied.

15.
Behind a box no., they stay hidden,
Trusting folk do as they’re bidden.
One payment won’t be sufficient,
Their follow-up system’s most efficient.

16.
A “Magic Stone” brings luck to you,
And cash to him, a cheque will do.
These polished rocks on chains of ‘gold’.
(One more consignment has been sold).

17.
You may as well go to the beach,
Similar stones lie within your reach.
Lumps of quartz or chalcedony,
Won’t help you win the lottery.

18.
Numerology is one more art
Of ensuring that the punters part,
With wads of cash. It’s a scandal,
There is no magic in your ‘handle’

19.
He’ll send his portrait for day or night,
It’s magnetised, so full of might.
Wear an amulet near your chest,
Your bra will serve, ‘twixt cup and breast.

20.
There are companies that type
Lists of believers, who are ripe,
And ready, for ruination,
And are fair game for exploitation.

21.
They sort the database for the gems
They will use in future scams.
They’ll send you a mail-merged letter
With a form to fill, then their income’s better.

22.
There are those who say they’ve located
An ancient text, which has stated
How you may change your life and future.
They know the secrets, you can be sure!

23.
Tarot reading is another way,
Of separating punters from their pay.
Deal the cards, and spin a yarn,
Mediæval fears can do great harm.

24.
Change of focus or financial habit,
Good-Luck vendors don’t encourage it,
”Do as we say and you will find,
That you can achieve peace of mind.”

25.
If you’ve time and cash to spend,
These charlatans will be your friend.
”I think of you” is what they’ll say,
”The 28th’s your lucky day”.

26.
In these verses you’ll have learned
How the weak get their fingers burned.
And the desperate are misled,
Not into the black, but into the red.


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Kevin Harrington ©1999-2003